"The Liar in Your Life"

Ironically, the subtitle is lying

"The Liar In Your Life" is about why people lie. It defines "lie" in a way that is unarguably true, though perhaps uncomfortable for many. Contrary to popular belief, lies are usually not told for personal gain. Most lies are either what we'd call lies of omission or "white lies," and these serve a specific social purpose. Often, people want to be deceived and the person telling the lie is simply playing along:

Unless we decide we want to know that our new haircut is a mess, that our child is a terrible Little Leaguer, that our colleague is not happy to run into us at the gym—and, indeed, unless we are prepared to tell other people this sort of thing—deception is here to stay.

I discovered this book after reading an article¹ a couple months back that claimed on average, new acquaintances lie three times in a ten-minute conversation. This seemed so unbelievable to me that I had to look up the source.

The original study² was conducted by Amherst psychology professor Robert Feldman. Basically, he randomly paired off volunteers to become acquainted over the course of a ten-minute conversation, and for each conversation pair, randomly told one of the participants either to chat normally, to come acrosss as very likable, or to come across as very competent. The surprise: even people who didn't have an agenda lied over the course of the ten minutes! These lies ranged from pretending to like Chinese food to exaggerating educational credentials to being the lead singer in a fictitous band. The study and its results received so much attention that Feldman compiled his and others' research into a book, so of course I had to pick it up for my regular psychology fix.

"The Liar in Your Life" focuses on the whens and whys of lying. Sometimes people lie for personal gain: think Bernie Madoff and all those spam emails claiming you've won the lottery. Other times, people lie to avoid punishment: think cheating spouses, or on a lighter note, the toddler who most definitely didn't eat the whole birthday cake. The why for these isn't so mysterious. On the other hand, why make up a personal biography when chatting to a stranger in a contrived social psychology experiment, and why lie to oneself?

Feldman fairly convincingly argues that most of the lies that aren't told for personal gain or to avoid punishment are designed to protect the ego – our own or that of others. That ill-advised do-it-yourself haircut doesn't really look so bad, does it? They did impress everyone at the open mic night, right? Often, there is no real cost to lying or believing a lie, and it's in everyone's interest not to scrutinize too closely. This is an important piece of what Feldman calls the "liar's advantage": if there isn't too much at stake³, constant skepticism is cognitively draining and socially tone-deaf for no real purpose. Imagine interrogating every cashier about whether they really felt pleasure for handing over a receipt, restaurant staff always demanding to see a driver's license or birth certificate before bringing out a complementary dessert, and so on. It would get old pretty fast.

I thought chapter 9, "Synthetic Reality," was the most interesting. When organizations like the media lie, it's often in such a way that no one can really take responsibility. One example: the opening ceremony of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing included a young girl lip-syncing to a patriotic anthem because the Politburo had decided the true singer wasn't photogenic enough to appear on stage. Upon learning of the deception, the Chinese public was furious. But among the dozens of media members and politicians involved, who was to blame? Or how about an American example: back in 2003, who was responsible for falsely reporting the presence of WMDs in Iraq? The media, Executive branch, CIA, opportunistic informants, and so on? Such incidents erode trust in institutions, thereby harming society.

Finally, a note on my snarky image caption: "Ironically, the subtitle is lying." I would have liked a more thorough discussion of strategies to reduce the impact (and use) of lying in everyday life. The subtitle promised, but the subject was given only a few pages in the conclusion, thus my claim that the subtitle is misleading. If nothing else, it's a delightful irony!

My highly subjective rating: a quick read and an interesting take on the purpose lies serve to "grease the wheels" of everyday living. Not as well-crafted as Kahneman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow" but possibly a more accessible introduction to some of the theories behind heuristics and cognition. A psychology appetizer, if you will.


1 This one: Why students lie, and why we fall for it. The "three times in ten minutes" is somewhat overstated; see the study description. (back)

2 See UMass Amherst researcher finds most people lie in everyday conversation (back)

3 Due to the peculiarities of human psychology, sometimes people are incentivized to believe lies even when there is a lot at stake. See the sunk cost fallacy and people who continually make excuses for dishonest friends and relatives. (back)